Letters and Implications

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Every writer needs a metacognitive place to work, and this is going to be that space.

I’ve been working on the same book for about two years, now and I’ve really hit a wall. That wall is not just writer’s block, but more of a wall of disorders that I’ve managed to overcome. Let me explain:

I have acquired many letters after my name, unfortunately I do not mean PhD or the MD. (Although one can dream…) it’s more so letters that people tend to cringe and get all awkward around because of the stigma attached to such letters. BAD (Bipolar Affective Disorder), GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified), ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) are my acquired letters (Did you cringe or even get through all that?) In short, I am a walking disorder. Disorder is chaos. Disorder is randomness. Disorder is incoherency. Sometimes my life does feel in fact that is one massive ball of disorder, but for much of my life I have allowed that word to define me as a person. For a large portion of my life I let my disorders be a wall in my life. After being hospitalized for my eating disorder and depression, I found ways to cope with these disorders so that I can use them to my advantage, or at least not to my detriment.

However, my book revolves around the process through which I went to overcome comes obstacles in my life. I believe that writing out the process is therapeutic, but also the process of recovery is rarely talked out and often it is misperceived. Writing this process is mentally taxing. After a day of writing I am often depressed from thinking, writing, and reliving the experiences. However, sometimes I enter a manic state…which is as exhausting and unhealthy as being depressed.

Sometimes I wonder if writing the process of overcoming hurdles is just as emotionally and physically detrimental as the first round was. Am I harming myself doing this? Am I creating more stress going through writing journey? Is it worth it?!?! My answer is yes, because I know many people that are having trouble fully recovering from their EDs because they believe recovery will be easy. RECOVERY IS NOT EASY. The purpose of my book is to show the hardships and the brutal encounters, physically and emotionally, that are possible throughout the recovery process.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of why I am writing such a depressing book. Sometimes I need remind myself that this book I am writing is not me…it is for people who need the help and need encouragement.

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