Gym Rats v. Wannabes


(One) Easily, lemon squeezy.

(Two) Psh.

(Three) I’m a beast.

(Four) Ah shit…

(Five) grunt.

(Six) FACK.

I let the chest press weight fly back and hit the back of the machine with a clang, causing people surrounding my machine to stare and send their best evil eye my way. Fellow gym rats are so endearing.  One would think continual gym-goers would be the easy, breezy beautiful people from town that want to wish you happy thoughts for no good reason. 

Survey says, “Fat chance.”  Let me give you a low down on gym rats v. gym wannabes:

If a wanna be (WB) walks into a gym and cross paths with a regular gym rat, the WB will get his/her soul eaten before he/she even realize it has been the rat’s protein for the day.  If the WB manages to stumble upon a weight machine…and it happened to be the rat’s between set seconds, be sure that rat isn’t going to accept the change and move to a different machine but rather get directly in the WB’s face, possibly firing pistols of spit onto his/her face through their anger, informing the WB that it was in fact still in the midst of THEIR set so he/she better get lost. 

Hopefully the WB would scramble off the machine before the rat pulverizes the WB, making the WB in fact a part of the machine. The WB would next probably find themself  in the cardio area. The WB may be thinking the cardio section is safe from cruel rats.  Excuse myself while I laugh mirthlessly. The cardio rats are probably the cruelest.  The cardio rats…sometimes referred to as hamsters due to their addiction of mindless habits. These cardic loving rodents are emotionally attached to their specifc treadmill, eliptical, or stairstepper.  If a hamster goes to the gym during his or her normal gym time, and HIS/HER treadmill is being used, understand that hamster will breathe down the WB’s neck until the WB feels too awkward to continue to run.  The hamsters will play that emotional guilt game.  They don’t want to cause a scene by yelling or actually causing a WB to trip (they are wishing it while they give the WB the stink eye, be sure) because hamsters understand energy wasted on a WB is energy they can’t put forth in their cardio workout…Horrific!

After the WB slinks away from cardio and heads toward the mats.  The innocent WB believes no rat can intervene in abdominal work.  The WB grabs a mat to brings it to the abdominal area, excited to finally get a workout in. The WB starts a situp regimen.  The surrounding rats notice the oldschool-textbook workout and scoff.  The rats scoff loudly and point directly.  The WB stops mid crunch.  The WB will flush embarassingly. The rats will show off the trendy and hip ways to crunch.  Nothing other than hip trends are allowed in the social ab circuit.   How can rats be so cruel?

The WB flustered by not being able to keep up with the surrounding rats, the WB heads to the locker room.  A safe haven to clean up the little sweat that was expended during the time at the gym.  The WB notices all the rats talking amongst each other, swapping recipes, protein counts, WODs and and numbers.  The rats turn to look at the scrawny sweatless WB.  *snickers* Even the locker room the rats draw a think line in the sand…leaving no room inside the gym for WBs. 

One would think with all the endorphins pulsing through gym rats’ bodies that they would be more accpeting and encouraging of others to get their sweat on, unfortunately that’s not the case.  Maybe exercise is a scam.  Maybe endorphins are actually evil cells swimming through our beings.  Maybe Crossfit is actually a cult for coniving against WBs.  Maybe protein is actually Kool-Aid. 


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