Gym Membership: Outwit, Outplay, Outlast [Part One]

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One shall never step into a gym without knowing the social hierarchy that exists within.

Never been to a gym? Does that first sentence start making you sweat? No worries…I’m here for you.

Assuming you’ve been to high school, you’ll understand the need to know social hierarchy and norms in order to know what to do and avoid in order to survive. Naturally, survival is the ultimate goal. Not being cool, not having friends, and DEFINITELY not being the most popular…survival. Even CBS understands the critical importance.

When you first walk into a gym, whether it’s a tiny little park district or the glorified LifeTime, you will come into interaction with the gatekeeper. The gatekeeper is like the God of gym world…only he or she can judge those that enter. He or she has a list of when you have been in the gym and can clearly see when you have sinned and not been at the gym for 6 and half weeks. If you are constantly on the naughty list, better start building your exterior as to not be burned to the ground by the gatekeepers judging stare. (Key: gatekeepers can judge…you can’t…get over it.)

Now, if you are not a pansy, get past the gatekeeper and attend a more elite gym you will enter the locker room. The locker room holds more intricacies than a woman’s reproductive system. Walk into an elite gym locker room and you’ll notice the frumpy elderly, the ripped Asians, the stay at home beautiful moms, the ripped working mothers, the nudists, the college student, and the teeny boppers. The frumpy elderly change in the furthest areas from the door and closest to the pool. They walk around, seemingly looking for a lost key or glasses, with their one piece bathing suits pulled off their shoulders, around their waist with the boobs hanging low wobbling to and fro more than Dumbos ears. The ripped Asians can be seen huddled at the mirror frantically applying makeup or aftershave (something clear and cultural) to their faces while flexing every perfectly toned area of their half naked bodies. They are feverishly sharing stories and will not give you a second glance even while you stare…possibly drool…in their direction. The stay at home mothers are the next group huddles around the mirrors. They are the fully dressed, beautiful women that are adamantly swapping stories of their children, how they never see each other anymore, etc. their hair is perfect, their makeup is perfect. Their shoes magically repel the flooding waters. The ripped working mothers are usually never seen with others of their kind. They are sporadically spread out like Mosquitos. They shower with the curtain open because they don’t have time to close it. They change so fast you can’t even admire their rock solid bodies. They’re a mythological creature that sometimes you may leave out pieces of chocolate in hopes of seeing one. They can sometimes be mistaken for a nudist. But not be fooled. True nudist are not unicorns. True nudists are the outlaw clan. Nudists are comprised of the full naked frumpy, full naked Asians, stay at home and working mothers. These locker room creatures have been excommunicated from their true sector because of their embracing of full body exposure. They like to air dry every crevice, every nook and cranny. If you can walk past all of these creatures, you will notice the college student. There is one. ( you think there are herds of college kids with money??). Then you will inevitably notice, then disregard, the clan of teeny bopping, squealing, space consuming, trust fund children.

Make sure you align yourself with the correct crowd or you will soon be Catty changing in the painfully tiny stall. Alone. Aligning yourself with the correct locker room crowd is the first step in gym survival….better choose the right crowd. There’s no whey of changing.

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